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I am away on vacation will be back next week. Have a good week.
Jason


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On August 7, 2007, Amy Goodman, on Democracy Now, played a speech given by John Pilger, an Australian documentary film maker and journalist given at the Socialism Conference, 2007, in Chicago, Illinois a couple of weeks ago. Mr. Pilger talks about the role of the media in supporting the American government's quest for Empire. It is an excellent talk and I believe every American should listen to it. You can access the speech by clicking on the link below.

Link: Democracy Now! | Freedom Next Time: Filmmaker & Journalist John Pilger on Propaganda, the Press, Censorship and Resisting the American Empire.

We live in a world where, because of the 24 hrs. per day news, celebrity has become the new entertainment. Our young people all want to be seen. They want to be celebrities, to have their moments of fame and adulation, to be in the spot light. This desire for celebrity is an indication of our spiritual poverty. People don't believe they are real unless they are seen and receive attention.

In the spiritual life, a person seeks invisibility. Invisibility provides protection and freedom. If we are not seen we are not interferred with. We do not become the object of scorn, jealousy, and competition nor the object of false hopes, dreams, and aspirations of others. There may come times when a spiritual person comes into the light and is seen by others but it is not done for self-aggrandisement but rather for the welfare and benefit of others. If attacked, the spiritual person enacts his/her warrior role and defends his/her position with their utmost and having triumphed slips back into invisibility again.

On the earth plane there is the seen and unseen. More things get done that are unseen. Freedom and space to live the spiritual life is more available if one stays invisible. Celebrity status feeds the ego but destroys the spirit.

This post is based on the chapter entitled "Make Believe Children" in Dr. Christine Ann Lawson's book, "Understanding The Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship." This is part two of a two part post on this topic.

Borderline parents often "split", that is they project their good side onto one child who becomes the "fair haired boy or girl", the "golden child", the "all good child" while they project their bad side onto the "black sheep", the "scapegoat", or the "no good child". In part one I described some of the dynamics that occur for the all good child. In this part two, I will describe some of the dynamics that occur for the all bad child. Dr. Lawson writes:

"Children who are perceived as evil by their mother have two choices: (1) to believe that they are evil, or (2) to die trying to be good. The mother's perception is immutable: no-good children can never win no matter how hard they try." p . 168

In part one we discussed the idea of "forced teaming" where the borderline parent says "You're just like me," and "My life would be unlivable were it not for you." There is negative forced teaming when the no good child is constantly compared to another person whom the borderline parent despises often the child's father. "You're just like your father!" referring to the father's negative characteristics or behavior. It is impossible for the child to dissociate herself from this negative attribution. This negative attribution will often become a self fulfilling prophecy and the child will act out the attitudes, and behavior attributed to them as if to say, "You think I'm bad, here's bad. You think I'm stupid, here's stupid. You think I'm criminal, here's criminal." It is interesting that the borderline parent rarely sees their part in contributing to the situation. If anything, they feel further validated that their predictions came true. As Dr. Lawson says:

"No-good children see no good in themselves, in the world, or in their future. They feel certain that they will ruin good things, good people, and good times. When they wish upon a star they see only darkness. No-good children see no hope." p.170

The kind of messages which no-good children hear from their borderline parents are things like, "You ruin everything," "I'd be better off without you," "You are responsible for my unhappiness," "You make me sick," "I could kill you," "You're a disgrace to this family." Spouses often hear similar messages. One client told me that his wife had witnessed her father physically abuse her mother and told him that she expected he would abuse her as well. When after 25 years of marriage he pointed out that he had never physically abused him, she, in a rage, said that she knew he was capable of it, wanted to strike her, and it was only a matter of time before he did. My client wept and said he could never dissuade her from her perception that he was a physically violent man and an abusive husband even though he had never behaved and spoke in a way to warrant such a judgment. Later he laughingly said he could die and go to his grave and she would say "He was a wife beater in his heart and didn't act on it because he died before he got the chance. We were married 55 years."

Dr. Lawson says,

"An x-ray of the no-good child's self might reveal a slow-growing tumor consuming the soul. No-good children are afraid of looking at themselves, especially of looking within. They sense an internal darkness, something withered and black, foul and rotten. Whatever it is, it feels beyond their control and is too terrifying to face. No-good children who come to therapy, therefore, must have a great deal of courage. They must be willing to look at their withered soul and let it be nourished in the warm light of acceptance and understanding." p. 171

Dr. Lawson also describes the lost child who has given up. She says.

"Surviving mixed messages of the borderline mother requires an ability to ride the waves of emotional upheaval. Lost children survive by floating, by resigning themselves to having no control." p. 171

As adults the children of borderline parents struggle trying to understand what is normal and what is not normal. As Dr. Lawson points out, the children of borderline parents have no way of organizing their emotional life. They never received the templates or compass that kids in healthy families receive as a part of their growing up.

Dr. Lawson points out that a healthy father or mother can make a big difference in counterbalancing the dysfunctional interactions of the borderline parent. Dr. Lawson writes,

"The father's character structure can either reinforce the pathological dynamics between mother and child, or provide a healthy counterbalance, depending on the degree to which he experienced healthy love in his own childhood." p. 173

This healthy counterbalance is what I mentioned earlier in a previous post as the "enlightened witness" which Alice Miller discusses - the person who reassures the child that what is happening to them is not normal, not of their doing, and that they will be OK.

This is post #20 in a series on borderline parenting based on a book written by Dr. Christine Lawson entitled, "Understanding The Borderline Mother".

This post is based on the chapter entitled "Make Believe Children" in Dr. Christine Ann Lawson's book, "Understanding The Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship."

Most people would not believe what goes on in Borderline families. The dynamics are intense, destructive, and subtle and not readily apparent to the casual observer. However as Dr. Lawson points out,

"Children of borderlines learn to sacrifice their true selves because survival requires that they meet their mother's emotional needs." p. 155 - 156.

An adult client told me of a conversation he had with his mother who wondered why she had no relationships with her other adult children and grandchildren, and the client said that he said to her, "Because mom you create an emotional vortex. It is too draining." He told me he wasn't sure if his mother understood but his siblings understood immediately and the term "emotional vortex" has become a catch phrase in these adult siblings' discussions of their mother.

The emotional vortex refers to the fact that the borderline mother needs to be the center of attention all the time. She often creates high drama in order to get and keep attention. She has a need to be right and does not tolerate disagreement or points of view other than her own. People learn quickly that to get along with her they must go along otherwise there will be conflict or the emotional cut-off. Every issue and topic is all about her. Other people's feelings and ideas are disregarded or denigrated as not important or being unworthy of consideration.

Dr. Lawson writes further:

"Autonomy, the freedom of self-direction and self-expression, is impossible for the borderline's child. Because the borderline mother views separation as betrayal and punishes self-assertion, the child develops a false self. The true self is buried alive." p. 156

Children of borderline mothers often are afraid of their mother. She is unpredictable, emotional intense and volatile, can be accusatory, unreasonable, and denigrating. Dr. Lawson says,

"However, children of borderlines experience a qualitative difference in their experience of being mothered. Fortunately, most children do not get 'the willies' when hearing their mother's voice." p. 157

Children of borderlines are continually doing a "risk assessment" monitoring their mother's moods so they can manage the situations and protect themselves.

Borderline mothers often do what is called "splitting" which means that she spits off the good and the bad in herself and projects that onto others. Therefore, it is common for the borderline mother to have the "all good child" and the "all bad child" or the "fair haired boy or girl", the so called "golden child", and the "black sheep" or the "scapegoat."

As Dr. Lawson describes the borderline mother often does "forced teaming" with the good child saying to the all good child things like, "You're just like me" and "You're the only one I can depend on" and "If it weren't for you, my life wouldn't be worth living." This all good child is often called "the parentified child" because the child is forced to behave like a parent taking care of the mother in a role reversal where the child takes care of the parent and the other siblings. Dr. Lawson says:

"A parentified child intuitively knows that her role is inappropriate and is terrified knowing that she is solely responsible for her parent's happiness. She should never be placed in the impossible position of being responsible for her parent's life." p.163

The all good child of the borderline mother often grows up to be a caretaker. She/he is very good at meeting other people's needs, but does not feel worthy to meet his/her own. The all good child often feels guilty that they survived the abuse especially relative to the no-good child. As adults the all good child of the borderline mother is depressed and anxious and doesn't know why. A friend of mine told me that his therapist told him repeatedly, "You deserve to be happy. You deserve to have a high quality life." He told me that at first he brushed his therapist off and then intellectually agreed that this was true but with repeated statements over months he said he became annoyed and then angry. He said one day it hit him that yes he did deserve to be happy and he was angry that no one had ever told him this before. He said he went into his therapy session and cried and said "I understand now what you have been telling me and I am pissed that in all these years no one has ever told me before what you are telling me, that I deserve to be happy! This, of course, is the birthright of every child, but with children of borderline mothers, it is clear that their role is to meet the emotional needs of the mother not the other way around. The satirical point is made with the needle point hung on the living room wall which says, "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!" This, unfortunately, is no joke for a child growing up in a borderline family.

This is post #19 in a series on borderline parenting based on Dr. Christine Lawson's book, Understanding The Borderline Mother.